PS Rereading Zen and the Art of Happiness never hurts. (I will say this until I’m blue in the face!!!!)
I probably talk to my mom a few times a day… not sure if that’s normal or not, but I hate going a few hours without talking to her because, oh I don’t know, things happen that I don’t want to forget to tell her or something. (I call her when I’m walking from one place to another most of the time and we almost always have a text conversation going on.)
The other day, she mentioned that one of her friends (who reads my blog religiously) mentioned that she thought I seemed different. And truth be told, I feel different. I’ve been feeling it for a while, probably about six weeks or so– not quite two months– but it’s a good different.
One of my favorite parts about blogging is that I get to talk to girls who are younger than me. There are so many things that I wish I could tell that based on where I’ve been and what’s happened and changed with me. I met a couple of college girls for breakfast one morning the other week and her mom was there too. (The whole group was super cute and sweet!) The mom said, “Will you tell her to relax about grades a little bit!?” Instantly, I was brought back to my own freshman year of college when I got back a midterm with 12% written at the top of it.
TWELVE. Twelve percent. Aka a big fat F. As far as I was concerned, the world would absolutely stop. In fact, my own insecurities and fears and psyche basically brought my own world to a halting stop. I spun wildly out of control. (It’s truly nothing short of a miracle that I got through the semester without dropping out or being kicked out.)
Looking back though, that twelve percent was quite literally the beginning, not the end, of my life. Through a million little events that would follow, I am where I am now. I started this tiny little blog with a pink background and offensively lime green accents. I wrote about my favorite shoes and my life and little happenings here and there. Never, never, never in a million years would I have ever believed that this is where I would be today.
Traveling, working with my favorite brands, connecting with thousands of girls… All because I failed a stupid accounting midterm. (Don’t worry, I have an accounting firm I work with for my corporate and personal taxes now… ha!)
I graduated from college four years later with incredible connections and unique experiences under my belt, ready to take on NYC. (Like so many graduates, starry-eyed about what the city would provide.) I loved my job for a while and then struggled with choices as I tried to find better balance in my life. I wanted to be in this working environment, learning from other women… but I also wanted to take a risk and see what could happen if I quit to take this College Prepster thing even bigger. Definitely was naive in that I thought it would happen overnight (hahaha, nope), but there were small stepping stones followed by big leaps of faith and I can kind of sort, maybe if I squint my eyes, see where it’s all heading.
But it’s not “the end goal” that has created this “difference” that others and myself have noticed within me recently. It’s that I’ve really changed my outlook on, well, so much. It’s not about a final point of success, I’ve just decided to enjoy the ride. Life is volatile. And a positive attitude can go a long way.
I simply felt like I just massively exhaled.
Released all these horrible thoughts that were eating away at me and causing these debilitating meltdowns and anxiety attacks. I let go of my fears. I let go of my insecurities. I’ve tried just about everything to get rid of my anxiety over the years (medication, therapy, exercise, diet, unhealthy coping mechanisms) and while some may have provided relief, they didn’t last. Deciding to let go and to feel this physical release of wasted energy is amazing… finally.
Things that have helped me have been my dog (honestly, that little guy really helps me put things in perspective), figuring out a schedule that works for me but also allows me to spend enough time away from my computer/phone, and allowing myself (really allowing without an ounce of guilt) to veg and do nothing if I feel like it…. and reminding myself that things work out and that even what seems like the end of the world (like a 12%) can actually be the start of an incredible experience.
I really do feel different. In a million and a half ways. For maybe the first time in my life, I’m not freaked out by what the future holds. (How many times have I thought…. I’m never going to succeed… only to find a way or somehow?) Whereas before I would let the fear of the unknown hold me back, now it’s just making me work harder to propel forward in a positive direction.