Terrible at New Year’s Resolutions? Ugh. Me too. I always have the best of intentions, but it rarely happens. Oh well. Looking back on 2013, where I was in December was so so so far from where I was in January. I mean, almost every element of my life was different.
Over the course of the year, I loved my job, realized my job wasn’t my dream job, dated good guys and bad guys, traveled to new places, failed a lot, had unexpected surprises that changed my course a bit, learned more, cried and smiled, fell down, stood up. It’s impossible to plan for what the year might hold.
And that’s the beauty of a year. 365 days to make things happen. To change direction, make decisions, celebrate, learn, and (of course) grow.
At the end of November, I was feeling run down. Not in an overworked/exhausted kind of way, but in a frustrated-with-myself kind of way. I was tallying up all the disappointments, failures, and missed opportunities. (Plus, add a heaping spoonful of feeling overwhelmed by the future.) There was one day in particular when I was just at the end of my rope. You know those days where you’re just… done?
Well, I was done.
I called my mom hysterical barely even able to breathe let alone communicate how I felt. There wasn’t any one reason why I felt the way I did. There were plenty. I think it was just that everything that had happened recently (quitting my job, being in a relationship, having a dog, realizing the scope of my blog, etc.) was just too much. I hadn’t given my brain enough time to wrap around all the change and it resulted in a not-very-flattering meltdown.
To be completely honest, I pretty much keep my head down and just do what needs to get done on a daily basis. I kind of put my blinders on and just charge forward, checking things off the list as they come. Sometimes I can sense just how public my life can be, but for the most part (especially in the city where everyone here it seems like is someone and is doing big things), it’s just the everyday, normal. After going to the Head of the Charles, however, and getting to meet so many people, I was reminded at just how public blogging can be. It’s amazing and awesome and I love love love getting to meet you all, but all of a sudden I felt like I was on display. In the moment it was fine, but when I got back to the city I had this facing reality moment where I didn’t want that. “Give me a private island and a library full of books and I’ll just camp out there for the rest of my life,” I was thinking.
This public issue was coming to light even more as I was presented with “sign your life away on the dotted line” contracts. Yes, absolutely amazing, game-changing opportunities… but also life-changing. And that can mean some negative consequences and realities, like giving up a lot of privacy. While I was on the phone with my mom, I kept saying over and over again that I felt like I was trapped and stuck falling down this rabbit hole.
The facts were that I had quit my job to do the blog full time and now I was thinking that maybe blogging wasn’t for me. Essentially, I was having what I would consider an insane identity crisis. Everything was happening so fast and I was having to decide whether I wanted to really shove myself in the public eye and I couldn’t even get through a weekend in Boston without feeling… exposed.
Throughout December there were a lot of sleepless nights where I doubted anything and everything, kicked myself for a hundred decisions over the course of five years, and hated what my life had become. Basically I felt like I had lost control of it and was speeding down that rabbit hole and couldn’t stop. And the only way to stop falling down that hole would be to stop blogging (I thought). I had resolved to quit blogging, move out of the city (eventually, you know… at the end of my lease), accept a job offer, etc.
And then I was depressed about quitting blogging. I love to blog. I love meeting people. I love working for myself. I love it. There are just some elements that I don’t love as much. Fear, I realized, was dictating my life at that point. I was out of control, you see, but I had simply handed off the control to this silly little, hard-to-ignore emotion: Fear.
Once I realized what I had done and how drastic the decisions would be, I could take a step back and come to terms with a few things. First of all, there are always always always drawbacks to everything. You take the good with the bad, right? The good, in my case, really did outweigh the not-so-good. And as for the being in the public eye thing… I took a LOT of time and talked to a LOT of people and did a LOT of soul searching. Basically, it’s a risk… but I’m more afraid of regretting not taking this opportunity by the horns than regretting saying yes.
So I’m going for it. I’m taking back the control from Fear and resolving to make it happen. The “it” here is everything and nothing… It is whatever it ends up being. I have a couple of ideas of what “it” might be in January and February, but beyond that… who knows.
And that “it” is for everyone to discover on her own. Nothing written in stone. Just a big, blank book ready and waiting for you to write her story and make it happen.
Are you ready to make this year your best year yet? Make it happen… Make. It. Happen.